spirituality, memory, healing, films, photographs, and reflections
“I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God.”
-Rumi
“I have been a seeker and I still am, but I stopped asking the books and the stars. I started listening to the teaching of my Soul.”
-Rumi
About Me
I am a runner, meditator, and lifelong student, devoted to the path of healing. Experience has shown me that ignorance breeds attachment to illusion. I feel the most profound healing comes from the ongoing journey of self-knowledge and the quiet remembrance of our true, divine nature.
As my beloved Mershida once told me "It's simple. Just love everyone all the time."
Influenced by the American Sufism and Advaita Vedanta, Samo’s spiritual path is centered on nonduality and finding love in every moment.
Two of my favorite quotes from two of my favorite philosophers:
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” -Rumi
“The very idea of going beyond the dream is illusory. Why go anywhere? Just realise that you are dreaming a dream you call the world, and stop looking for ways out.” -Nisargadatta Maharaj
I have tried to take my own life on three occasions. For some reason, this mind-body is still here on earth. I guess I'm just getting started.
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Journal
The last three months served to wake me up. To gently bring me back to my heart n soul. I finished my first ultramarathon, ran my first sub 6 mile, have put a lot of work in therapy, had my first intimacy in god knows how long. Now I am ready to put my mind to work and let the body not work so hard. The running was a wonderful challenge that showed me I could focus, invest, and achieve a goal and push myself. It took time, effort, dedication, community, other people. Without my coach believing in me, I wouldn't have been able to do it. Without Stefan Schuster, I wouldn't have done my 50K. Without listening to my own heart, I wouldn't have been able to know my limit. I am 21 years old. I don't have to have everything figured out. And very few people have it "figured out". The most successful people (peace-wise) are the ones who keep going and live life even when they're afraid and uncertain. We can't know what the future has in store for us. I can push myself hard. But I learned balance.
Running is a far better coping mechanism than drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. But it does not solve the root of the problem. Only true surrender can. I need to go live my life and have kids like my last spiritual teacher told me I would. I CAN finish school and be working in my dream job before 30. Things can change. People go back to school in their 50s even. Everyone tells me I can do anything I put my mind to. I've always been told that as a child. I think at some point in my life due to trauma I stopped believing that. But the power of belief is quite powerful. If you think you can't do something, you can show up and fail. But if you really believe in yourself and channel the right energy, hell I think you can do anything.
I have a peculiar mind. Why not put it to work. When I was in school and didn't need to run for purpose, I loved it. I need to go back to school, have some stability and grind a little bit. I am not lazy. I'm just remembering who I am and coming back to my true self. Whether we find ourselves over and over at a more conscious level or make ourselves anew, the language doesn't matter as much as the devotion of consistently showing up and not being afraid. Not running away from the world. When I'm 35 with my kids, I'll look back at all the times I tried to escape, die, run away, and be grateful for the resilience I had to stay in this body and world.
Maybe I can work in politics. Maybe I can work in therapy. Perhaps I could do both. Like running, school and life takes practice, devotion, tears, effort, failures, grind, but also just showing up every day. If I'm 28 and have a masters degree and can start my own practice, I'll look back to these days and think "I didn't waste those years between 20 and 22." I had to run and seek to remember and find Samo at a deeper level than before.
Part of being a good therapist is lots of failure and life experience. How can you relate to someone struggling if you didn't go through hell 100 different ways? Is this not all serving me to be more loving, more gentle, more honest, more disciplined, stronger, and more resilient? I will get through this just like all the other times I was afraid and lost and survived the storm. I get better and better. I am stronger than ever emotionally. I am also more connected to my own desires and can establish boundaries better than ever.
In order to figure out who you are and what you must do in this life, you have to figure out who you're not! And this is a constant process that requires investigation and reinvestigation. Something that may serve you now will not serve you in 2 months or 200 months. Our awareness and desires change. Setting goals even if you fail is important because you will push yourself outside of your comfort zone and lear something. Or even if you don't learn something, you'll teach someone something. It is necessary to just live. The secret in life is all you have to do is be yourself. That's a painful and wonderful thing. It's so simple. But it takes guts, faith, inquiry, devotion, will. One day at a time kid. You got this.
DNF First Trail Race
Hit a block of trauma around mile 5. Emotionally could not take it. Sat for 10 minutes to try and calm down and just cried for half an hour on the forever walk back. Got to some very scary places I wasn't prepared for. Not sure what's next. One step at a time.
Heart, mind, body, soul were really disoriented and had trouble communicating.
I normally have country music going through my ears on all runs. And for it to be totally silent, based on some of the events in my life lately was really hard.
Perhaps a break from everything and Strava is called for.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I felt slow. I couldn't run my own race. Everyone was so kind. Many people kept saying you got this as I threw my hat down in shame. The trail community is incredibly kind but that blockage was something I hadn't faced before. I felt so out of place and scared and I had all these thoughts of suicide and I felt like everything in the last six months I have failed. I couldn't do school, I couldn't finish this trail race, I couldn't get over some pain. I felt like my heart and soul and mind were roaming in places I was not comfortable going. I found myself just sitting there at mile 4 or 5 for 10 minutes (which felt like an hour) and I just couldn't move forward. My mind refused.
This was my first time doing a run or triathlon where I physically (more emotionally though) couldn't push through.
Some days are harder than others. But do you not learn the most about your own resilience and beauty in those days? Joy would not be beautiful without sorrow. Sadness is a necessary part of life. If you pay attention closely, or actually maybe not so closely and remain detached from the constant changing dream, nothing is ever gained or lost. Only imaginings and dreams can be lost. But dreams can be changed and altered. Is not all events and Maya serving Atman to wake up to its own reality. Maya can be entertained but never relied on. For its nature is unreal. All duality is mere illusion. Every time I feel something bad happens to me, I eventually realize my attachment and karma and come back in balance and the world is far better, clearer, and expansive.
The ego likes to complicate things. It always wants a reason for bad dreams and even good dreams. Sometimes you do not need to figure it out. The secret is to just be and have great faith. Is it not a miracle I am breathing and am still here? Only the mind is afraid and uncomfortable. The slums are in the mind. So are the sublime Himalayas. Every woman I meet, the next one is always more beautiful, more centered, and I look back and think wtf was I doing. It humbles me because I could not have imagined the situations and experiences I would have had. You cannot possibly know what is in store for your karma. That is truly a wonderful mystery.
I thought of these lyrics from Jai-Jagdeesh's In Dreams, a most beautiful song in which I have listened to and cried and also experienced total ecstasy, literally.
Beloved child
You are the light of the world
Beloved child...
Go out, spread light to the world
Be strong, be kind, be brave
Know your mind
Know that you're divine
Know that it's alright to be afraid
Know you are loved...
Rest in peace
Dream your sweet dreams
'Til your soul is released
I love these lyrics. They move me every time I hear them. Dream your sweet dreams 'til your soul is released.
John once told me, if you do not like your dream just change it. So I shall. The dream is only getting better. I feel like the last 3 months were just the start of a crazy dream. When the dream is going well it is terrifyingly sad because it is just a dream. When the dream gets scary and horrifying like some days, it is terrifyingly wonderful that it is just a dream. Alright. Enough ranting kid. This is fun though and the thoughts are not all trapped in my head. Maybe I should do some LSD. But I want to stay sober. It is all okay. Lol life is so funny.
Swami warned his male devotees about women and gold. Women and gold. I wonder what would happen if you chopped your dick off. Would that make life far easier? Or far more pointless (literally)? As the gospel of Sri Ramakrishna would say "And this is maya." LOL.
Sometimes, its hard to believe this world is just a dream, nothing more than an illusion. But then in those moments where you really feel only God there, no you, no other, no world left to dream up, it all is so quiet. Paramananda (supreme bliss). I remember reading these words im about to insert for the first time and it brought me to tears haha.
"There is no need of a way out! Don't you see that a way out is also part of the dream. All you have to do is see the dream as dream. ...Wherever it leads you, it will be a dream. The very idea of going beyond the dream is illusory. Why go anywhere Just realize that you are dreaming a dream you call the world and stop looking for ways out. The dream is not your problem. Your problem is that you like one part of your dream and not another. Love all, or none of it, and stop complaining. When you have seen the dream as a dream, you have done all that needs be done."
~Nisargadatta
But that last sentence is true... and untrue. Ultimately yes you have. But practicallly, NO. That's just the start. Then you have to play pretend and pretend to be. a body-mind-heart for so many decades. But I guess this is where Swami Sarvapriyananda's fun little creation story comes in. I find this story so beautiful and the way he presents it is so funny and intelligent. In the beginning there was god. From eternity to eternity sat there. but god got bored. lol. so God decided to play. But who will God play with? There's no one else to play with. So God thought for a long time and made a clever solution. God pretended to be Not God. So now there are two to play with. But there became a problem because God is really good at what god does. so when he was playing god really forgot god was not god. And this not god is searching for who he is. and this is the game of life. LOL i love that story so much.
Is life about playing pretend? Who's playing? Hahaha. The fun part of life is you can discover it's just a dream and merely a game of pretend. But then you can't just escape. You can't just shoot yourself. You (The Divine) have to go back and go live out this beautiful rollercoaster full of dreams, attachments, pain, sensory pleasures. And if it is just a dream, then you can take as much risk and fuck around as much as you want because it's all an illusion.
What's funny is that Advaita Vedanta and other nondual philosophies are heavily focused on the love and perfection of God. But in practical living, it's probably quite a bit closer to optimistic nihilism (ON) than dogmatic religious living. The mentality of ON like "Fuck it. We gonna die someday so might as well live like crazy and do everything." And the approach of Advaita Vedanta is "This world is merely a dream. I am not the doer. But i feel like the doer so I might as well feel and do the best I can."
I also find that people that believe in free will and believe that the world is more than just a dream, it can be advntageous because they can be more driven, often out of fear of not being able to just sit by themselves and sit with their thoughts. Idk. Next time I should write about the intriguing idea of necessary duality and dreams. Do we need the hot for the cold? The pain for the pleasure? The highs for the lows? What functions do these serve if it's all maya? Idk. Probably a swami could tell me that. Lol. Good night.
"Go follow your heart kid."
The purpose of this website is partially a creative endeavor for me hold a portion of my life and photos online. More importantly, to potentially have the opportunity to meet, connect, and discuss life's purpose, goals, spirituality, nonduality, and finding meaning.
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“The question 'Who am I?' is not really meant to get an answer, the question 'Who am I?' is meant to dissolve the questioner.”
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